


to love and to lose it all

by chaoticbullshit



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Campaign 2 (Critical Role), Mighty Nein, My Friends- Oh Wonder, Oban - Freeform, everyone go listen to Yasha's official playlist on spotify it's so good and so sad, maybe maybe maybe maybe slight Beau/Jester, maybe maybe slight Yasha/Beau, oof, spoilers for episode 69
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-28
Updated: 2019-06-28
Packaged: 2020-05-28 10:01:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 801
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19391806
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chaoticbullshit/pseuds/chaoticbullshit
Summary: She just maybe wished-That maybe they'd stayed.That maybe they'd save her.MAJOR SPOILERS for episode 69!





	to love and to lose it all

**Author's Note:**

> I can't forget it,  
> all of the love, all of the love  
> As we stood tall together,  
> all of the love

In his final seconds, he reached out to her, and the burning crept into her mind and suddenly everything was different, fractured, as if she were watching everything through a lens. Everything became aware, became clear, became known as she lost control of her will. It was when Fjord disappeared without her that she realized she couldn’t do anything.

They left her with the Laughing Hand, this monstrosity she’d been stupid enough to help free- and she couldn’t blame them. She’d hurt them, giving chase and abandoning them when they needed her most. As the stone doors shut and she caught the last view of Jester and Nott reaching for her, their faces twisted in sobs, she felt alone.

So alone.

As she helped this hulking creature tear at the door, she was… she was too far removed from them now.

There were fears. There was a fear of what this demon brought back to her, the past and the flashes. There was a fear of how she’d fallen right into his hands, how he’d set the trap and waltzed his way right through while she tripped over herself for answers. There was a fear of what she couldn’t do, what she could do, and where the line was drawn. There was a fear in watching her friends- her family- leave her behind. The ones who promised not to leave her.

She didn’t blame them at all, no.

She just maybe wished-

As she beat her way through the barrier-

That maybe they’d stayed.

That maybe they’d saved her.

As the memories of Oban surfaced in her mind, bubbles of other faces began to pop through.

_Shaving Caleb’s face in the merrow’s den, giving him advice and it being nice to know someone listened and valued her._

_The way Jester always smiled and never made her feel bad for not knowing or understanding customs and listened with a loving ear and sparkling eyes, painting her room full of wildflowers out of pure kindness._

_She and Caduceus and their mutual understanding that they sometimes felt like outsiders in their little band of adventurers, and that didn’t have to be so bad as long as they had each other and their friends._

_Nott, with her hot and cold personality, one moment accusing her of stealing with teeth bared, the next bringing her flowers she’d found and telling her soft secrets late at night._

_The face of her beloved Zuala, the way her eyes watched over her lover and took in everything not worthy of love, of affection, of adoration, of anything good and made them worth it, made her feel like she was worth something in this dark world._

_How Fjord, Mr. Calm, Cool, and Collected, placed his trust in her in all facets, enough to check in on her and follow her to where she needed to be, as she did for him._

_Mollymauk and his brash words, gaudy clothes, and shit attitude, and how, without fail, he strived to make every place better than he found it, every person more moved than he met them, and give her a home with him._

_Beau in her goofy flirting, her strong hands, her mind both sensible and chaotic, pragmatic and selfish, her cocky attitude that gave way to insecurities of not being good enough, fears of not being strong enough, and the wounds from her past that still rang tender and true._

The scenes of her family bleeding into her consciousness was so much all at once. She couldn’t even express her pain. She just watched as her body moved forward, remembering everything near and far all at once.

As she went numb, her mind floated to the flower that lay wilted on the floor of the tomb.

_Falling_  
_Falling_  
_Falling_  
_Falling_  
_Falling_  
_Bleeding_  
_Reaching_  
_Running_  
_Crying_

Beau jolted awake, ready to hit whatever she had been running from.

Immediately, soft, strong arms wrapped around her, hushing her and it was Jester’s voice that came through.

“Shhh, shhh, you’re okay, it was- it was just a dream,” her voice cracked.

In that moment, Beau knew it wasn’t a dream. Her worst fear- which hadn’t realized had become her worst fear- had come true. She tried to count the heads of her friends from where Jester held her to her chest, but the tears came too fast and too quick and suddenly she was choking on her sobs, and holding on tightly. 

“I can’t believe we just left her, I-” the words tumbled out. 

Jester sniffled, crying as well. “I know, Beau, I didn’t want to leave her either.”

“I- I was the one who- I started the door-”

“Shhhhh, Beau, don’t blame yourself, shhhhhh,” Jester rubbed the back of her friend’s undercut trying to soothe her. 

“Fuck,” Beau wept. “Fuck, fuck, _fuck,_

_Yasha.”_

**Author's Note:**

> fuck you cr for making me feel this way (not actually but fuck)


End file.
